Ben's Version...

Once upon a time, a boy named Nen Bielsen decided to go home to live with his parents over the summer in between semesters at school. He wasn’t a loser so don’t think that about him, he just… knew he needed to go home for the last time before he couldn’t anymore. What if that next semester he tripped on a rusty ice skate and cut himself while falling into a pile of sliced lemons (you know the kind that servers put in water)? Or, what if he got attacked and eaten by a stray wildebeest? If he hadn’t gone home and said goodbye, there could have been some real regrets. So in order to avoid irreconcilable regret, and wildebeests, he decided to go and “help” his parents at home. As soon as he was home, he soon realized that he was a loser, despite his best efforts to conquer his nerdiness. His days consisted of working, working out, eating, eating out, reading, reading out (loud to his cute nephew), and general lollygagging and frivolity to no higher purpose or reason. This antisocial humdrummery lasted about one month, until he could take it no longer. He decided to break the routine and be more outgoing; he went to a young married group social campout, yeah!! Talk about fun, little kids running and playing everywhere, married Sisters all over the place trying to hook you up with their cousins/sisters/nieces/friends/dogs/lizards/professional wrestlers/anything with legs. Needless to say, the next natural occurrence was for the president of the Sunday school to approach Nen and ask him to teach Gospel Doctrine class that Sunday because he was so spiritually charged. Ok, maybe not natural, but I needed some sort of transition for this crazy story.

So after spending way too much time on preparing a lesson that he strayed from anyway, Nen was feeling good about himself. He was going to church, reading his scriptures, saying his prayers, and beating up his little brother on a regular basis. It was no shock, of course, to then receive word from a very cool lady in the ward that she wanted to hook Nen up on a blind date with a very special girl, Callyson Acox. Can you believe the beauty of that name? Me either. Nen was excited and appreciative of this ward member’s generosity at helping out the poor defenseless, single man get a date that she knew he probably never could get because of his raunchy goatee. So after hearing about the great news, Ben filed away that gem of happiness and got back to his work and being all churchy and stuff.
Little did Nen know how different his life was going to turn out after meeting Callyson. Little did he know that his way of life was about to be flipped on its ear. Little did he know that his entire being was going to be irrevocably altered by this little beauty named Callyson. Little did… I think you get the point.

And so the day came for Nen and Callyson to meet. They did, and it went great except that Nen doesn’t know how to use cell phones, or his fingers, resulting in the loss of her number in an embarrassing escapade involving technologies beyond his understanding. It didn’t help either that her eyes made him forget where he was at times because they were so blue. Not to mention her beautiful smile that weakened his kness, making him grateful he was sitting down already. Or how about her kindly demeanor and cheerful countenance that made him feel so warm and comforted to the point that he felt like an old friend of hers. So he was a forgetful, weak-kneed, old friend at their first meeting, like an old man. I’m surprised he was even able to ask her out, he was so taken with her. But in the end, he asked her out on a date and proved he wasn’t gay, once and for all, that week. Let’s get to the date proper!

It was a cold winter day in August. Rain and snow populated the magical make-believe trees of the North Pole. Which doesn’t mean jack squat seeing as they were in California, baby!! The weather was perfect. The restaurant was perfect. Nen was lost in her perfection. The conversation never stopped, even when he made a fool of himself by eating way to fast. She ate her entire meal like a champ, unafraid, unlike some girls, to show her mortality and bodily needs. She impressed him every step of the way, and more and more caught him up in her womanly wiles. He was sprung! Even when after the date went completely wrong and they ended up just watching a movie at Nen’s house, Callyson made him fall more and more for her. The date lasted three days, like every good date should, and it was filled with restaurants, romantic movies, beaches, sand castles, sunsets, picnics, and chafing for Nen. Even the next day when she asked him to come and help her babysit, it was fantastically romantic. It was then, when Nen had one baby, and Callyson had the other, that he knew he was in trouble. He was in love. He was absolutely, resolutely, incomprehensibly in love. There was nothing he could do about it, when she looked him straight in the eye he couldn’t help but fall. She was like a crazy, hot love spider with love venom that had no cure.

…

Incredibly, eventually, one ellipsis later, (an ellipsis is used to indicate a passing of some unspecified amount of time, in this case, they are used to indicate a huge resolve of Nen and his desire to have her as his one and only love, and vice versa. Also, there was a funny occurrence involving a goat, a dragon, and a dog. A Lamborghini, a kilt, and a wallaby named Diego the Brave, not the father but his son with the same name. Ask me for details later…if you dare!) Callyson finally fell for Nen in the same way that he had for her so long ago. In fact, they decided to get married mostly so they didn’t have to say good bye every single stupid night (I think there might be other reasons as well, but face it, that’s the most important one). She absolutely loved him, faults and all, and made him feel like the most confident and amazing man in the world. She changed him into a real man, her love was responsible for everything that she loved in him. It’s a concept hard for most to understand, but since I’m… I mean, since Nen is so smart and sexy and cool, its easy for him to understand that he’s all of those things due to Callyson. In reality, Callyson is all of those things and more, and Nen is just a shadow, or an echo of her virtues. In any case, Nen was ecstatic to have such a wonderful wife and future mother and role model for his children. He knew that he couldn’t have possibly done better for himself. Callyson was his One and Only true love in mortality and beyond.